WHEN THEY CAN'T HAVE KIDS

Nelly Ohuche

July 2020

Few years ago, on an edition of one of my radio shows in Abuja 'Family Focus', I discussed the theme 'When they can't have kids'. I had Lucy Dickson, Founder Valedo International Charity Center and Doctor Kate Onoja of Grabbo Fertility Clinic. This for me was a deliberate personal inquisition to understand this very agonising issue for women and having also watched close relatives and friends struggle through it hence, it is a very sensitive topic.

As a woman, I know menstrual cycle comes with all sorts of stress, pain and discomfort monthly, and we would gladly trade it to the men, yet its consistency shows you have either been a good girl all month long or you've played 'smart' despite the escapades. To the spouse or partner, it means all is well, we are safe, no "I missed my period" telemundo.

Ironically, at a period in time in life for a woman, she looks forward to missing her period as this would then signify fertility and the ability to not just conceive but to have a child(ren) she could call her own. Its a bragging right, its a stabilizing force, its a call to higher responsibilities, a test of her nurturing skills and patience. For a married woman, it is part of her marital responsibilities to her spouse and in extension, families on both sides. So when this wait to " missed my period " becomes longer than usual, with the mensuration audaciously showing up month after month, flashing its red light, it becomes a nightmare. For women who've been down that path, its a story they'll rather not recount especially with the external pressures either from family/in-laws or worse still, spouse. 

In a bid to "shame my enemies" and restore her feminine pride and dignity to be called "mama junior" if not "iya beji", she seeks for solutions. In this desperation, there are no limits for a woman. She would tread even where demons dread. A frantic effort that sometimes starts with medical science but ends with spiritualists.

While fate smile on some in between their search, unfortunately few of these supposedly fortunate ones do not carry theirs to full term as it gets suddenly aborted at some stage during pregnancy. This sometimes is diagnosed to be stress induced, a case of an incompetent cervix, carelessness, age factor, accidents, etc. For these category of women the pain and frustration is unbearable. Its same pain one feels after loosing a child, but then again, at least they know they are capable of conceiving. 

For those who never even conceive for a long period of time, sometimes years, the frustration is at another level. Its a feeling of being inadequate, a feeling of incompetence. But in all of these, at what point does she consider viable options? At what point does she go beyond prayers, beyond hoping and believing, to taking actual steps for alternatives. That brings to bear the question of what the alternatives are?

There is the alternative of surrogacy, the alternative of adoption, that of Assisted conception - In Vitro Fertilization (IVF like we know it).

This is leaving out the illegal alternative of Baby factories and Child Theft which has sadly become rife in recent times.

Then the "let's wait for Gods time" hinged mostly on faith and fate.

What the alternatives are in this part of the world is hinged on their cultural beliefs, exposure and available fund. I guess at this juncture, the processes now comes to play and that is the point where a lot of people get stuck.

Over the years, Nigerians seem to have embraced the alternatives medical science presents with increased number of people that subscribe to IVF. Yet the cost is scary as this is not like treating malaria fever with off the counter drugs. However for those who can afford its exorbitance, it is a far better option as it affords the intending parents the option of choosing the sex of the baby or babies, as well as the option of having multiple births. This kind of compensates for the long years of waiting so the woman can, like we say in Nigeria, "close shop" and focus on raising the children.

Surrogacy on the other hand doesn't seem to have gained grounds in this part of the world but should be explored too.

Legal Child adoption unfortunately has met with stiff resistance in Nigeria majorly for cultural and religious reasons. So those who choose that option keep it under high level secrecy especially when its a male child. This bothers more on inheritance and acceptance by kinsmen. But then again, it is a viable and rewarding option. The processes are thorough yet quite straightforward. 

For those who would rather wait till whenever fate decides to smile on them, its always open ended. Never too sure what to expect or when.

For the illegal options, I strongly advice against them, and also commend the efforts of relevant security  agencies, NGO's and of course National Agency for the Prohibition of Trafficking in Persons (NAPTIP) in clamming down on their activities.

In summation, there are options for couples and women to have their own children, and these options should be explored.

The joy of motherhood or parenthood is worth experiencing. 

As we plow, may we reap, and be fruitful, multiply and replenish the earth.

©Nelly Ohuche

July 20, 2020